How do you say a final goodbye?

How does one bid a loved one a final goodbye?

I for one, found it difficult to say goodbye to mum.. when I knew that was the very last time I will be bidding her farewell. How do you let go of a loved one, when u r not ready?

She was in a coma, but I was told that she was still aware of what was happening in her surrounding, altho' she was unable to respond. So, instead of goodbye, I spoke of our happy times together, our silly fights, how much I missed her nagging and her cooking. I think she heard me, but I'm not sure. I spoke so much, but I couldn't remember what I talked about. I just wanted her to know, that I loved her, and that it pained me to see her suffering like that.

As I kept by her bedside during her final days, I really wished that she could be her old self again, just for a brief moment, so that I could hear her voice again. To be able to talk to her, how I'll gladly give anything for a chance to do just that.

Mum left on a quiet morning after Boxing Day, when everyone had gone back to work after holding virgil at her bed for almost three weeks. I guessed she was finally ready, to leave all these sufferings behind. I wished I was there when she went, but I guessed it would have been difficult for her to leave, knowing how she was always worrying about leaving me alone. I did not have a chance to bid her farewell.

Tomorrow will be exactly one month since she's passed on. While life has gone back to normal for the family, it is no longer the same for me. The grief and pain permeates the house, and the emptiness of her room reminded me of her absence every time I walked by.

Sometimes, for a brief moment, reality escaped me and I'll forget that she's passed on, thinking that she's in the living room reading the papers, or watching TV in her room. Mum loved to sit by the chair beside the window to read the papers after she's done with her chores in the morning. But when I called out to her and heard only the echo of my own voice, the stark truth that she is gone just hit me like a tonne of rock.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that she's left me forever. I have not said my goodbye to her yet, because I am not ready to do so. Maybe one day, I will be able to tell her, with a peaceful heart, "Goodbye, mummy."

Mum...

I've always wanted to start a blog... to talk about my toys' collection, my favourite Korean actor, things that matter to me, and things that irked me.

But I've never gotten down to doing it.

And then, my mum passed away, after a seven months' struggle with a stroke which she's suffered while holidaying in China.

Yes, I am grieving.

The pain is hard to bear.

And u can only tell people so many times, about the grief and hurt in your heart, before they wonder what's wrong with you, and why you should move on with life.

So, this blog is created in memory of my mum, who passed away last month, one day after Boxing Day. She was only 64.

I missed my mum tremendously. I never realised that I would miss her so much. I wanted to remember all the little things about her. Before time heals all wounds, like they say, and my memory of her will gradually fade away.

This blog will be my way of remembering her.